The mistake I do not want to repeat this year is to put too much pressure on myself with projects about being rich and always be doing something important. I also cannot behave as I used to just a few months back: always being at home, resting, watching TV, reading or studying. The more activities you engage in, the more you want to be active, and this is exactly what I am feeling at the moment and how I have felt for the past 6 months.
I am happy to report that I feel much better than a few months back, when I started this blog. It was a difficult period, not only because of what had happened to me (bad job, bad relationships) but mostly because of what I imagined my prospects for the future were. I was not able to find any interest in anything, I had no mental strength to engage in drawing, reading, organizing events, I was tired and depressed. And it was a vicious circle. Here in France going to see a shrink is not well accepted, and when I first talked about it to my friends and family, half were very proud about me not being afraid to seek help, but the other half tried to persuade me not to go, to be stronger, as I had always been. In my family I am one of the members with the safest job, more average life and regular income, hence me talking about resigning and leaving my old life was scarier to my family than it really was to me. For me it felt like breathing again. Although in the end I did not take an appointment with a shrink I had gathered several numbers for the day I could not stand the situation any longer. That day came I guess, but it was even harder to call, so I did it my way, always knowing that I was one call away from help. Maybe I should have gone, maybe I will go actually, I am just waiting to be ready I guess. These past months have been so enlightening that I have enough to process already.
So my first step…
…to feel better was to read, a lot. And to talk about what I was reading and have interesting debates with my friends.
The second step…
…was to exercise. As I said before, I do not particularly like to exercise. I love to walk, a lot and fast, but I really “exercise” to keep in shape and to tire my body. I am certainly not addicted, and when I feel depressed it is the first activity I tend to stop. Anyways, I decided to go walking with my best friend, a few hours during the week-end, which was a good time to catch up, since she has 2 kids and I barely have time to chat with her now. My body also felt much better and I always feel regenerated after sweating.
The third step…
…and this is when things started to change, was to write this blog. There is the writing part, which obviously is very good for the mental health. Writing lets you express your feelings safely but also makes you understand them. Writing them, as speaking them out loud, gives existence and allows you to start dealing with them for real. Because I also started an online journal, where I write more personal things, I use my blog uniquely as my “motivational” engine. It is a challenge to write it every week. It is not a place to mew but a place to motivate people and myself. Just like positive thinking it gives me energy by talking about energy. And although I have grown sceptical about “positive thinking” in the form of writing only the good things of your life, I have always been convinced that you should look at the positive side of things and trust that how things unfold is the best way they could have gone. And that things that seem failure will make sense one day.
This was hard to do when I was depressed obviously, but because it is my “base mode” I went back to it as soon as I felt better. And writing the blog has opened me to become curious, and always up to try new things, and talking about it has made people curious and proud, and willing to discuss about their projects and their ideas.
The fourth step…
…was to make concrete projects about my dream job, my dream year and overall my dream life. I thought I was empty, that I would not find any purpose, but slowly and surely ideas formed, a “dream board” appeared in my head and things started to get together. I have spent the last six months with amazing people, I have been open to receiving affection and help and this week, as many others, has been about enjoying what I have today. I am far from all my dreams but since I know that I will get there, I am enjoying the ride.
Last week…
…the sun was back (I feel like living according to its good will) and I was out with all my friends to enjoy drinks on one of the most famous “péniches”(aka floating bar) of Paris. I also had time for a girls’ night out, which barely happens now that my friend are all married with kids. These 2 parties were nice moments spent with friends. I could have felt bad for being out so much and not working on my projects but this is my project too. Being surrounded by loved ones, not just friends. With age I spend time only with people who bring me joy as I have learnt to say “no” to toxic people. In fact, when you are very unwell and want to reduce your entourage to the essential people, you also reconsider who your real friends are, and this period helped me clean my address book.
On Sunday we prepared a family BBQ on my mother’s terrace, something that never happens. It felt already like being on holidays and most importantly I proved that I am committed to my new project. She lives on the other side of Paris so I planned to run back to my house after the BBQ…and I did it. I ran 11km across Paris surrounded by timeless monuments. I also discovered that the town has put sheeps in some parks to mow the grass in an ecological way, which was a nice stop.
Finally, after all these outside activities, and because I need my share of movies, on Sunday I watched the latest release of one of my all time favourite saga: Alien Covenant. I won’t give any spoilers, I will just say that although I am a big fan of the four Aliens, I hated Prometheus and I am quite disappointed by this last movie first because the script has too many inaccuracies and also that the story repeats itself endlessly. The movie is also much gory that the formers, but with no added value to the story.
For those who did not follow the news, the French astronaut Thomas Pesquet set off six months ago for a six-month mission on the International Space Station and became a star here in France as millions have been following his every move thanks to the photos and films he has ben posting on social media. On Friday he returned to Earth and I would finish this post by a ‘Meme’ that says it all.
52 Weeks Challenge 